The Handcuffed Neurotic
by Lindsey2
Summary: Friends Improv. A finished dinner and temporary peace is disrupted by an annoyed, finallypushedtohislimits Chandler. Who said being the next Milton Burle was a GOOD thing? check it out!


:This fanfic was begging to be written, and I think it sums up the friendship of Rachel and Chandler. Please review!:

**The Handcuffed Neurotic**

"That dinner was great Monica," Rachel muttered, her voice thick from drowsiness and a full stomach. She curled up tighter in the chair of the apartment.

Ross and Joey, from their sitting positions on the couch, nodded in agreement. Phoebe gave a half hearted thumbs up from her place on the floor.

"I have to say – and I never thought I would – I'm actually _full_." Joey added, grinning at ease.

"Miracles _do _happen," Ross said, wide-eyed.

"Too bad Chandler didn't get back from work in time," Monica said, picking up the plates and taking them to the kitchen sink.

"Yeah, where _is _he?" Ross asked, "It's 9pm! I thought he gave up that whole 'staying until midnight' thing because he didn't like what it turned him into."

"Oh…my…god," Rachel muttered, sitting up. She put her hands to her mouth, "surely not…"

"What?" Joey asked, frowning.

Before Rachel could say another word, the apartment door opened and Chandler walked in, his deep-blue shirt half hanging out of his pants and the sleeves rolled up halfway up his arms. His hair stood up in weird angles on his head, the darker of his blonde highlights visible to the roots of his scalp. Using a quick flick of the wrist, he slammed the door shut behind him and then put his hands to his hips. His face wore an expression of absolute fury and his piercing blue eyes immediately rested on Rachel.

"Five…hours," he uttered, the words coming out clear, slow and deliberate.

Rachel stood up and walked over to him, her hands still clamped over her mouth. "Chandler, I am _so…so _sorry!" she mumbled through her fingers.

"Five _hours_," Chandler repeated, glaring at her, "do you _realise _how _long_ that _is_?"

"Chandler…"

"Milton Burle! Give me a _break_!" Chandler yelled, pacing around the apartment. He circled around the couch, ignoring the confused glances he was getting from Ross, Joey, Monica and Phoebe. "I can't believe I fell for _that _one! The only kind of impression I'm giving out is the need to want to throttle you Rachel!"

Finally lowering her hands from her face, Rachel gazed shamefacedly at Chandler. "You really _didn't _stay in that chair for five hours did you?" she whispered, awestruck.

"Well let's see, after your promises of attention from women forever, you went home with Sophie. Meanwhile, I was _imprisoned _in a chair with my pants off looking like a male slut. Not _one_ phone call did I receive from then on. _You_ do the math!" 

Chandler's angry glare never left Rachel until he heard a suspicious sounding snort coming from the couch. His eyes rested on Joey, whose head was peeking over the couch, the unmistakable sign of a smirk spreading over his face. Ross, in exactly the same position, had his fist in his mouth. He was beyond the point of just smirking.

Chandler didn't even _want _to look at Monica and Phoebe.

 He turned back to Rachel and glared at her again, before continuing to pace around the room in his manic state of furore. "What kind of woman leaves a guy handcuffed to a chair for crying out loud?" he ranted on, now oblivious to his giggling friends, "A couple of hours she says! I think we should change _that_ to a couple of hours after Armageddon! What a psycho!"

"I think that's the kettle calling you black!" Rachel shot back at him, her arms folded.

"What's _that _supposed to mean?" 

"It means that _you _were a psycho for getting yourself into that kind of situation in the first place!" Rachel pointed out, "One minute you're breaking up with her, the next, something in that teeny tiny organ you call a _brain _goes off and the neuroses come out!"

"I am _not _a neurotic!"

"Oh you so are, I think being left handcuffed to a chair by my boss is a perfect example!"

"You were _handcuffed_?" Joey guffawed, punching a fist into the couch with mirth.

"Please tell me your boss is a woman Rachel!" Monica jumped in, giggling.

"Oh-oh I am _so _glad you find this amusing!" Chandler told them, in a singsong mocking voice, "there is nothing better to do than to spend an afternoon and evening tied to a chair waiting for the sex-obsessed maniac to come back!"

"I know there isn't," Joey said, grinning.

"And _you_ can shut up," Chandler told him, "I'm sure you wouldn't like the part where the _cleaning _lady turns up hours later, thinks you are a terrorist and alerts the security guards on the bottom floor!"

"Oh my god, _Vera_ saw you?" Rachel gasped out, finally cracking up into laughter, "that woman is crazy! She thinks Bloomingdales is haunted and that thieves can just _materialise _when she's there!"

"So that'll be why she hit me around the head with her mop!" Chandler said, pointing madly at his sticking up hair. "I swear, Jack Nicholson crashing through a _door _was less scary than _she_ was!"

"Oh-no-no," Joey interrupted, his hand raised to stop Chandler in mid-flow, "_nothing _is scarier than 'The Shining' _nothing_. Why do you think the book's been in the freezer again for the last three months?"

"Ewww, three months?" Chandler asked, disgusted, "it will be moist, dewy and-and…slimy, that's just…gross."

"Don't worry I iron it out to dry it," Joey assured him, giving the thumbs up.

"The _same_ iron I use on my shirts?!"

"Um…_no_…" Joey said, wide-eyed, "Of-of course not, that is a totally _different _iron."

"Joe, we only have one."

"Hey what are you yelling at _me _for? _I _didn't handcuff you to the chair, blame Rachel, _she _set the two of you up last year!"

"That was _before _he called her a big dull dud!" Rachel retorted, "How was I supposed to know that Chandler just can't say 'no'?"

"Well, dull is really the nearest I could describe Joanne at this very moment," Chandler said with heavy sarcasm, "Dull women obviously make a habit of acting like a complete nutcase. You know when she came back I was having an argument with security? She denied all _knowledge _of knowing me! I walked out of that building leaving behind a bunch of people who think I'm a stalker!"

"Chandler, I really had no idea Joanne would be that long and would react that way," Rachel said sincerely, "I am really sorry."

"Yeah well, tonight is just the story of my life," Chandler said, sighing deeply. He turned briefly to Joey, "Do me one small favour please?" he asked.

"Sure, what is it?" Joey asked.

"Never, and I mean _never_ repeat this story in any future celebrity chat shows, biographies, autobiographies, parties or any 'hi-I'm-famous' gigs, got it?" Chandler glared meaningfully at him.

"Sure, whatever,"

"If you do I'll sue."

"Sure…sure. These lips are sealed," Joey assured him, "for now," he added under his breath.

"Shame you and Joanne aren't getting married," Ross commented, "that would be one hell of a best man's speech for me to announce."

"Well, unfortunately for you, and luckily for me, we're _not _getting married." Chandler told him, walking to the door, "I don't think I'm going to get married at all, come to think of it."

"Never?" Monica asked incredulously, "Not even when you're in love?"

"Great choice out there, there really is," Chandler said wryly, opening the door, "looks like I'm going to be dying an old maid with you Mon."

"Oh _thanks_."

"No problem," Chandler told her, a hint of a grin appearing on his face. He turned to Rachel, "and as for _you_…"

"Yes?" Rachel asked nervously.

"I'm not buying you a new walkman."

"Um…right…"

"And I want that freshly squeezed orange juice you promised me,"

"Um, ok, I guess it's the least I can do…"

"And all my photos in photo albums…"

Rachel narrowed her eyes slightly, "Ok…"

"And one more thing…"

"Oh god, please don't say it," Rachel moaned, burying her head into her hands.

"I want the bathroom cleaned everyday for a month, starting tomorrow."

"Ohhh that's harsh," Joey jumped in, grimacing, "I just blocked the toilet a couple of hours ago."

"See you tomorrow children," Chandler said, walking out into the hallway and slamming it shut.

"Wow, was anyone _totally _turned on by that little performance?" Phoebe asked after a moment's silence.

**The End**

: yeah so it was a little pointless, but it was begging to be written!:


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